Just ask (from See Nao)

Dear Cavalierio,

I am writing to you in one of my many last moments of desperation. As you would know, I usually write to Molly. But of late it seems that this wondrous phenomenon that is Singapore is taking away her ability, time and inspiration to correspond with me. I am not necessarily saying that you are more able and have more time and inspiration than Ms Molly, but as I’ve said, I am in my many last moments of desperation. So I hope you would be as obliging as Molly. 

You see, ever since I lost all my savings in those High Notes investment schemes, I have been living from hand to mouth. Furthermore, it doesn’t help that the majority of the Straits Times news these days are about the depressing economy. I wonder what their agenda is. So anyway, imagine my delight when I read that PM Lee vows to help the needy: he will make sure that everyone who needs help, will get help. I do admire the ability of the ST to take our leaders’ rhetoric to ever-greater heights. To say they’re the government’s mouthpiece seems like a misnomer when they sometimes sound more like a Politburo choral group with loudhailers. The only other singer I know who uses a loudhailer to sing is Faye Wong. But I’m not sure if Faye belongs to the CCP Politburo. I’m also not sure if ST propagandists can sing like comrade Faye Wong, loudhailers or nohailers.

Sorry to digress. I read and re-read the article, and could not find any details about how to get help. In short, the article seems to be short of details. But the PM did say something about resisting the urge to have a crutch mentality. Yet at the same time, the ST lays the blame on us: “many Singaporeans in need of government aid are either unaware that they can get help, or do not know where to turn.” O Cavalierio, I’m confused. If Singaporeans aren’t aware of the availability and the avenues for help, how can Singaporeans ever develop a crutch mentality? Given your undesirable obsessions with metaphors and the mental, can you kindly provide some advice?

Yours perfidiously,

Lee See Nao (Mr.)

----------------------------------

Dearest See Nao,

Cavalierio advises you to stay calm. Molly can’t be attending to your whiny-Wee-whims all the time, especially in these dire times of ungolden lunacy. Blogging for a nation of hum sup admirers can take its toll, and you might rather write Molly some romantic sonnets to salve her bereft, yearning soul.

As for your investment losses, all I can say is: what to do, serves you right. But now, we’re in a speedboat in hostile sea, and protecting our billions of reserves is more important than the million that you lost. As you would have no doubt read what PM Lee said: “When the sun comes out again, we will emerge stronger, readier, more competitive and able to do better for our children and for our future.” So close your eyes and sit tight, have faith as always, and if you do make it out alive, forget about what had happened, and move on. If you perish, then I reckon your problem is resolved.

I have to disagree with your biased opinions about the ST. It is a responsible, nation-building press of utmost honour and integrity. For one, it never plagiarizes. Second, its main agenda is to constantly provide readers with good news and updates about how wonderful our leaders are, so that we’ll have little to worry, and happily live our happy lives on our happy sunny island where happiness abounds happily. This is not an agenda as much as a unique virtue. As the ST has already informed you, when PM Lee says he ‘will’ do something, he is actually making a ‘vow’. So, See Nao, if you say you ‘will’ seek their assistance, it’s as good having vowed to do so. 

If the ST’s headlines are as avowedly reliable as the previous one (and all other previous ones), then it seems that if you need help, all you need to do is just ask, and it shall be given. It's that easy, really. I wonder where you got the notion from, that you cannot ask for help when you need it. Should they enquire about the amount that you need, and whether you plan to eat your meals at the hawker centre, the foodcourt, or the restaurant, do inform them that you will either eat at the hawker centre, the foodcourt, or the restaurant , as long as there’re enough left for a decent haircut. (I trust that you have mastered the Wong Kan Seng Method of answering MCQs, and the Lim Hng Kiang Dialectics de Hirsute). After all, you need to look presentable when you go for job interviews at the foodcourt. Do not learn from that poor guy who simply threw himself in front of the MRT train. You see, it’s his fault that he stopped asking for help when help is actually so easily available. All you need to do, remember, is just ask. If you don't, then it's your fault. If you do, but are rejected, it's also your fault for failing to qualify, regardless of the excuses that you may have. 

As for the crutch mentality, See Nao, you need to have a mentality to begin with before you can acquire a crutch. 

Yours superfluously,

Cavalierio de la Satirique Innocenté